I want to talk a little about personal independence and how it fits in my understanding of human development.
We go through stages of development that begin with dependence (as in early childhood) and move to co-dependence and independence as we grow up, culminating in what my Native American teachers called “interdependence.”
If you have worked with me before, you have heard me talk about this; if not, it may be new to you. Independence can be defined as:
- The ability to make and carry out important decisions by oneself, without outside coaching.
- The responsibility and willingness to answer for the consequences of one’s actions.
- The conviction that such behavior is practicable, socially possible, and morally correct.
While independence is certainly important for our developing our own sense of self, we still need to be able to connect with others in a way that does not constantly hurt us emotionally. Interdependence is the practice of mutually relying on each other, and is the opposite of co-dependence, which is when we develop an unhealthy emotional reliance on someone. I like to strive for interdependence as a way of moving through the world as our own true, individual selves while connecting with others and maintaining healthy boundaries.
So how do we express our independence when we are in the middle of a collective issue like a pandemic? How can we meaningfully connect with others—whether they’re far away or much too close—without feeling like we are giving over all of our time, or our physical space, or what little peace of mind we’ve been able to gather during these times?
Here are a few exercises to try for relieving co-dependence and fostering interdependence instead:
1. Group Zoom for a 4, 6, 8 breathing exercise
You could organize a group zoom meeting with friends and/or family.
- Call up some of your most loved ones and set the intention to meaningfully connect with each other.
- Then everyone could take five minutes to explain the most challenging thing they are going through one at a time.
- When each person finishes their explanation, as a group, do the 4, 6, 8 breathing exercise together.
- Breathe in for a count of four, hold for a count of six, and release for a count of eight.
- As you are breathing in, think of the person who has just spoken. As you hold for a count of six think of the challenge they are experiencing.
- As you breathe out for a count of eight, send this person love and compassion.
- Continue to go from person to person until everyone has shared a challenge they are facing.
This is an exercise of unconditional positive regard, which fosters healthy respect for one another.
2. Breathe with a plant or tree
Another suggestion to help you feel interdependent with nature is breathing with a tree or a house plant. Plants subsist on carbon dioxide and produce oxygen, and humans breathe oxygen and expel carbon dioxide, so we have a natural mutualism with plants that is as old as the human race itself.
- Go outside to the tree or sit near your house plant and breathe out slowly.
- As you breathe out, imagine the tree or plant breathing in. Then do the opposite.
- Imagine the tree or plant breathing out and you breathe in.
- Take your time breathing and really appreciate the unique bond that humans have to nature.
- Our relationship with the environment is interdependence at its finest. Repeat this exercise five times or as much as you wish.
I believe these exercises will help you feel calmer and more connected. Remember, we are all in this together and the more we can connect and help each other, the better we will feel. We need that personal connection and the connection to nature to feel as though we are independent individuals who have an interdependence with our environment.
We will get through this, my friends. One day at a time.
And if you ever need extra help, reach out to me and we’ll set up a session together.
